Further cogitations and inner struggles.
Bismi'llah arRahman arRahim. There is no refuge from Allah but in Him.

As I explained on the next post (which is really the previous one) I'm just whacking in my private diaries with all their twists and turns, confessions and uglinesses as well as, hopefully, something of interest for the reader .. even if only amazement at my personal weaknesses or relief at not being as bad as me .. or even relief at finding someone else as full of all the complications and weaknesses of human nature .. especially that which is confronted by a) overcoming nature and nurture and b) having the rigours of Islamic discipline and sufi morality to measure one's pathetic efforts by.

One small aside; I can't quite understand how Jenny found this blog before I had switched my settings back to make it public again ... does that mean that in fact it had stayed public all along ?

Ay! the quirks of Blogger and blogging !

Happy reading dear lector .. don't forget comments .. however blisteringly hurtful you think they may be ... I prefer honesty to diplomacy .. I do believe we progress much more quickly that way, if we can handle it.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN.

(Tuesday November 1st 2005.)

Real Faith is in God alone ...I realise, in fact I have known for a long time that my faith tends to be really, in people ..especially women, or a woman, and in money. Ridiculous but true. Yet, when I realise it with shame and fear, then I ask God (Allah) to give me real faith .. so I do have faith in Him after all !

Perhaps I can say that I do have some faith, but it is not very strong. Right in this moment I am remembering an incident here in The Pais Vasco (Basque Country.) when my faith in the Sheikh got me out of trouble. It was an incident with my van breaking down on the way to a market in the early morning and help came almost immediately in the most extraordinary way.

The Basques are an extraordinary race of people who are very “solidaria” as Bilquis says. The angel of mercy that was sent to me in the afore mentioned incident, came in the form of a Basque van driver . I wonder what would happen if I asked for help from the Sheikh , with as much faith and determination (and with a contrite heart) as on that occasion, over the situation with Bilquis ?

I am sure that life and death are in Allah’s hands .. but perhaps it would help ..

I also need help over my work situation with earning money and have much fear and insecurity about that. I just feel that someone here might help me ... my mind has constantly been going to the homoeopath in the chemist where I got Bilquis’s remedies ..but I know that it is partly mixed up with her attractiveness, (a strange thin nervous type with a great red slash of a mouth ... her mother sitting there in a chair radiating powerful control.)

I don’t imagine her giving private consultations.. and I can’t think that I could get very easily intimate about my situation sitting in her open “consulta” in the chemist.

It is very hard to talk to anyone about how I need help in a moment like this when Bilquis is so ill ... but I do.
I have to say that I think there is a very real possibility that she will die and I am not sure how I will handle that at any or every level.

In approximate terms I have always had her at my side and completely leant on her for fifteen years .. for instance when she has been away for the last couple of times to the Basque Country and I have remained in Andalucia, I have just sat there with the computer, reading and reading and reading ..

Admittedly I was looking for stuff about Buddhism as she had gone back to that, and I was desperate to find some sort of a bridge between her and me spiritually ... I also found great comfort in Advaita Vedanta from the Hindu canon .. but who is around that takes any of this stuff seriously ? My recent experiences with writing on a blog forum have made me realise that the idea of bridges between sufism and the rest of the world are far from easy .. except perhaps for enlightened efforts such as the poetry of Jalalu’din Rumi, and that, of course, requires no commitment to dogma or practice on the part of the reader.

The point being anyway, that actually, I just sat and sat, doing the absolute minimum, until she came back .. I felt crippled and useless in every way, without her. This also applies socially and I have been trying to do a little about this recently.

Here it is eight fifteen in the morning, and it could be the middle of the night as there is no daylight to orientate one in this room.

If I am honest, as a Muslim, I am junub and have missed at least two days prayers since I have been here..no .. perhaps I did fajr the day before yesterday .. Conditions are not easy for setting up a place to pray and up here I am unsure of the direction without a compass, though I must admit I have a rough idea.

In one way I do wish to write and write and write .. somehow, I have to anyway. Though wether it is of any use for anything, I doubt these days. I realise that it is for me more than anyone and helps relieve some pressure from my feelings of impotence and fear.

I realise recently (perhaps in the last few hours) maybe since finishing The Celestine Prophecy, last night ( a book that a few years ago I was rejecting as too light and New Agey .. such that I didn’t read it, except in the pocket version, but now seems to have had some stuff for me in it) ... that my greatest enemy is fear .. and what I have to do is develop love. I also now understand why people these days say that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.

I am also interested in using my intuitions as I see Jamal and Joe and others do ..and in the possibility of meaningful coincidences and meetings with people ..

I do wonder if there is anything to do with this homoeopath lady ... and I wonder if it is significant that that last sentence came out in capitals and, trying to change that I nearly buggered up the whole document .. ?

Still got this fixed idea that somehow a lady will be the answer to my problems ... can I ever get over that ?

This time at home .. from the beginning of Ramadan especially .. I have been holding it together ....

(have to go and shit now ..involves going downstairs to the flat where Bilquis lives ..and probably getting involved in whatever is going on down there .. not much I suspect, as Bilquis may still be asleep, with luck, and Dolores, her eighty four year old mother will probably still be in bed, and Baruk, her younger son, who’s flat it is , will probably still be abed, as it is a “puente” or bridge between the weekend and All Saints day holiday and he’ll have been out most of the night with friends. I am up here in the “buardia” or “desvan”, the loft storage space that pertains to his flat .., having cleared a space for a bed and a table between his boxes of personal stuff.)

I always seem to have lived in wierd situations accomodation wise and that is just part of my destiny .. In one way I am tired of it and wish that things could be more normal, in another way, “me hace gracia” or it amuses me ..but really I just know that it is part of my destiny no matter how much I may wish for normality and a home and family which I have never had nor ever been able to create.

I feel pretty rough now .. and don’t know if any of the above is serving for anything but to waste more time and fill more memory space .. on my computer. Unless, I put it on one of my old blogs revived, or ..on a new one, for people in general to read .. the problem is that they don’t get back with comments, so I still may as well be writing to myself .. unless I find some sort of feedback forum.

Anyway, got to go now, but surely, I will be back . The question being ....Faith in God .. real faith in God where one relies solely on Him Almighty .. or .. this mix up and mess with EFT and homeopathic remedies, to just keep stumbling by.

There’s also perhaps, another question. Solely about keeping or having faith in God despite not doing or keeping Islamic practices. And (you can’t begin a sentence with a preposition.) .. the question about believing in a personal God.

Perhaps I just make it all too complicated with too much thinking and analysis which only serves to undermine faith anyway.

I am reading an interesting book from Inayat Khan and I opened it at the section about prayer last night .. or was it this morning at about 4.30. a.m. after being downstairs comforting Bilquis with massages when I awoke and was drawn to go down and check on her and found her recently awake with pain and in need of company ?

Intuitive links and communication are interesting and might soon be a necessary development when the whole technological bullshit starts to break down and spiritual power takes over. We might as well start developing them now.

Hmmm.


13.15. Hrs.

mmmm ... that was nice .. what was ? .. Well, everything actually ...it has to do with this feeling of letting go into the All ...just “being” with everything .. that’s where I feel and live God .. in His Unity .. (which of course I am a part of, otherwise it would not be real.) God as a person .. is not an easy concept .. perhaps I will type out what Inayat Khan says on this (Inayat ? Vilayat ? .. I must look.)

But anyway .. it wa nice .. the silence in the flat when I went down .. the sunshine on everything .. (there is untimely summer type weather here ) but the “bochorno” or thunderiness has gone .. the humidity has lessened .. so it is in fact very pleasant instead of heavy and sticky ..

The sun slanting throught the pattern of the blind, falling on the book .. those lovely old pages redolent of other times and simply glowing with wisdom and love and spirituality. Oh, I’m so glad that I bought that book ( and the other one ) .. my little shop idea working .. I wonder if the restaurant / cafe food place can work too still ? and the launderette ? and the healing space ? and the magazine ? ... and the shop ? .. and the tea rooms ? and the sauna / hamam ? .. of course they all could ... and provide a brilliant cheap service and bring people and provide employment .. and improve relations with others, non muslim ..and village people ..

However .. for now the shop and a benefit for me in the shape of some second hand books.

Bilquis waking up and smiling .. attending to her .. Dolores with her eternal theme of what to eat and when ... Maria Isabella, the home help lady .. from Chile .. Jason and Imanol the new grandchild .. of eleven months now .. enourmous and “muy guapo” with huge blue eyes and blonde hair ...
A visit to the pasteleria for bread and cakes and milk and farm eggs. Hmmm .. fresh air .. Zarauz on oliday for All Saints day .. standing in the pasteleria looking out on the roundabout and th buldings and shop beyond, I felt I could have been in France .. certainly nothing like Andalucia.
Hey ho .. rather nice actually !

Wednesday November 2nd 2005. Zarauz.

12.35.Hrs.

And now it is another day ... quite different from the previous one. Dolores was a bit ill yesterday, the strain of looking after her daughter and having me around, out of her normal routine ... the shock of when Bilquis was rushed off to hospital with the haemorrhage .. all has accumulate to a small crisis, which she soon cured by going to bed early and having me cook her a cream of pumpkin and potatoe soup. It came out rather well actually and it inspired me to cook today. I rushed off to do the shopping and then cooked lentils and onions as a firts course followed by a lovely fluffy rice to accompany stew of mince beef with vegetables (onion, green and red peppers, carrots, leeks and mushrooms) in a savoury sauce .. delicious actually, though I say so myself. I could see me getting a job looking after some old lady or cooking for some wealthy old couple .. or even working in an old people’s home or something like that. Trouble is I suppose, that everyone these days has C.V.s as long as your arm and or qualifications as a nurse or whatever. Professional carer I suppose one could say.
Then I suppose I could work in a kitchen or a bar ... but again .. my age and being English .. ?

Translation work ? Something using my two languages .. I don’t know .. I expect I shall just wait and see as usual. Wait and see what life brings and then probably regret not having thought ahead and being prepared when I still had a little money.

Oh Lor’ !

The wind whistles around the roof somewhat, but, apart from some very distant movements elsewhere in the building, there is really no noise except that of the clicking of the keys of the keyboard .. interrupted every now and then by the whirring of the machinery which pulls the lift up and down.

I expect this time it is Baruc .. coming home for lunch ( the one which I cooked) I wonder if he’ll like it ?

It’s strange not having the internet .. perhaps rather healthy almost .. reality is here .. in the here and now.. and not in the gently glowing screen bringing me news and information and contacts from all around the world.

Thursday November 3rd 2005. Zarautz.

11.27. Hrs.

So what am I writing this for ? Trying to tie it down intellectaully, mentally ?

Here’s where I’m at today anyway. .. Muhammadan rasul’allah. Yes .. asking Allah to make me a sincere believer in Muhammad and to be able to follow the way that he brought us and taught us to worship and live.

After all the “vueltas y vueltas” ahi esta. Perhaps I can keep five prayers a day in the middle of all this Basque flavoured materialism.

Perhaps I can connect to the net somewhere somehow and do some transalation work .. probably better to take a step in that direction, than take no steps at all.

Unfortunately my only example of work has probably been lost from the other computer and I don’t know if I can get an example back from the website of Destino Sur. Barring that, I think I’ve lost it .... or did I do a hard copy ? .. maybe.

Then there’s the possibility of the Christmas market in Granada with all the ‘movidas’ that that entails .. but .. it would be some money if I can grit my teeth and do it ... maybe my daughter would like to help me with it.

If also, the car holds up !

My realtendency is to just go on buggering about here ‘til the money runs out. Not a very good idea in any way. If Bilquis suvives this it wouldn’t be too useful .. and if she doesn’t .. I’d be in a hopeless condition with only an awful prospect of lowest level survival in The Fonda in Spain .. if it still exists, or, somehow getting back to England and facing the poverty trap existence there.

I have no confidence in getting reaistic work from the enitities which I logged on with .. as I have little or no experience an no qualifications ..and they are perhaps not very busy businesses. There is a page which one can pay money to get more references but that would mean about 200 € to chance getting some work .. Experience tells me that less than 0.05.€ is not really worth working for .. but for sure there are some who are asking 0.03 € while some may ask 0.08 or even 0.1.

The world, the material world ... I quail ...

Lack of courage and postive thinking .. somehow I have to overcome them.

La ilaha ila ‘llah, Muhammadan Rasul’allah.


12.10.Hrs

Somewhat ridiculous situation, sitting here on the terrace trying to connect to the internet from one of the surrounding houses, sometimes it works .. when I was first here I had it for four days .. now I suppose, after the holiday, people have gone back to work and turned their routers off. Perhaps I’ll see how much a connection would be. Try to get some work then.

I’m getting angry now .. over the food situation here.




Friday November 4th.2005. Zarautz.

04.53. Hrs.

Wonderful, special time of the morning. Not just any morning. Friday morning. Jumaa, the Holy day of the week for Muslims. I could feel it when I awoke.

What is “on top” ? Rasul’allah. Muhammad, salalahu alayhi wa salem. My hero, as he is turning out to be, at long last and after all these years. A male figure to respect and love and admire, to follow and to try to imitate.

Last night, we watched “Alexander the Great.” .... conquering the world with his army ... King of half the world by the time he was thirty three. Sheikh Nazim says he was buried with his hands sticking out of his coffin to show the world that he could take nothing of it with him when he died.

All that effort and all that trial and courage and fighting for what ? .. In the Koran it says that everything in the world is as the wing of a mosquito in the sight of Allah. (and apparently they have four !) ... It served to emphasise for me, who is a worthy hero to admire .. the one who had everything .. power, riches, lands, horses women gold .. anything he wanted .. and turned his back on it all to face and turn towards The Owner of All, and worship Him Almighty. That is a hero worth following ...

I’m no good at it ? ... No, I’m not. I’m a useless changeable, unstable, lazy hypocritical example of a Muslim or a sufi ? .. Yes I am ... but I don’t really change my line and my mind in the end .. just run off down some side tracks to take a look .. and what happens ? They all turn out to be dead ends or incomplete paths taking longer to go to the same place ...

There’s no water up here in this attic room .. which makes it difficult for doing wudu. I may come up here with it, with the intention of doing my prayers, but if I lose it, it means going down the corridor and down in the lift and opening the front door of the flat and running the water in the bathroom, possibly .. probably, waking up Dolores whose room is in front of the bathroom and then coming up again .. perhaps ten minutes rather laborious process .. which the ego does not like and which presents an obstacle which can all to easily turn into a barrierto prayer. How does that happen ? Laziness, lack of conviction, lack of courage in the battle against the nafs ... The greater jihad, as Muhammad saws called it.

I have an intellectually juicy piece from Ibn Arabi to read .. Two chapters from the Futuhat (The Meccan Openings) .. which may help to analyse the “trials” sent by Allah.

‘Til now I was sitting at my table with the sound of the pouring rain on the roof and the low light of the lamp making a magic den in which I felt so close to something from the world of Islam, from the spirituality of Muhammad saws .. a connection to God .. to the spiritual world of Allah .. no matter how distant, I could smell the cooking from the central house of the walled village , even if I was in the fields outside. Even if I was only looking after one of the master’s sick sheep ... I still had that connection to Him, because His sick sheep and my job to look after her, is proof of His existence.
- posted by longgone1 @ 11/06/2005 10:56:00 AM